1.28.2006

The Sword... The Samurai...




So...

I've been watching a lot of Samurai Jack lately. Four full seasons of the show were produced and aired on Cartoon Network, but only the first two seasons have been released on DVD. I have personally not seen anything beyond Season 2, which means there are 26 episodes in existence that are brand new to me. This makes me very happy. What makes me even happier is that Season 3 will be released on March 23 of this year. Over the past few days or so, I've watched all of Season 2, which delves a bit deeper into Jack's character than Season 1, and gives a more emotional insight to his ultimate quest.

What is that quest, you ask? Well, if you've never seen the show, I'll give you the basic rundown... In fact, absolutely everything you need to know to watch, comprehend, and enjoy a Jack episode is spelled out in the opening titles narration. The voice speaking is Aku, the... well, he'll explain who he is:


Long ago in a distant land,

I, Aku, the shapeshifting master of darkness,

Unleashed an unspeakable evil...

But a foolish Samurai warrior

Wielding a magic sword

Stepped forth to oppose me.

Before the final blow was struck,

I tore open a portal in time

And flung him into the future,

Where my evil is law.

Now the fool seeks to return to the past,

And undo the future that is Aku!



So that's the overall premise. Many episodes simply chronicle Jack's wanderings through a bizarre dystopian future, and the colorful characters he encounters. He is forever beset by bounty hunters, monsters, assassins, and even demons. Aku shows up often, but not in every episode. All the same, you know that Aku is the evil force against which Jack is forever battling, and in the universe in which the story exists, all evil is simply an extension of Aku.

But all this time spent watching it has got me thinking... The way I see it, we're essentially living in Jack's universe.

Here's my thought... The Samurai were ancient Japanese warriors. What if, during their time, a dark supernatural force along the lines of Aku came into power over the world? I suppose this whole batshit theory of mine depends on your belief in the supernatural... Well, I believe there's shit out there that transcends this world, and by no means is all of it good. I guess you have to believe in time travel too, which I can see being within the realm of power of a "shape-shifting Master of Darkness" such as Aku. So based on all that, if the only Samurai who could stop him had been cast into Earth's distant future, we could currently be in some stage of our own eventual demise at the hands of Aku. There's obviously some dark, evil force at work in our own world... Maybe it's just taking a long, gradual time to destroy us and the planet. No one can argue that THAT's not happening.

Is there really a point to all this crazy rambling? Not especially. Just a lazy Saturday afternoon rant. Check out Wikipedia's Samurai Jack Episode Guide, while I stop being lazy and go run errands.


Bank, bodega, and the grocery store. Hooray America.





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1.26.2006

The Rules

"So, the 'best of Cinemax OnDemand' is Seed of Chucky and The Jacket?"

~Zack Jackson


That's right, kids, life is absurd. You never know when you're going to find yourself faced with emotional dilemmas, personal crises, and life-threatening situations. In the course of life over these past few months, the wise Mr. Jackson and I have been casually discussing some rules to live by (or "rules by which to live," for those so obsessed with grammar that they must use it properly AT ALL COSTS... i.e. myself, usually... I'm a little tired). Here are three such rules that will keep you safe in many situations.

Study them well... they could be the difference between life and death.


RULE #1: Don't touch the monkey.

This is especially true if someone in a labcoat tells you not to touch the monkey. Think about it, you see a monkey in a cage... The monkey is cute and human-like, and you feel bad for it because it's caged... What you don't realize is, the monkey is in a cage for a reason. The reason in most situations can be boiled down to a simple universal truth: if you touch the monkey, the monkey will eventually cause the downfall of the human race.

This can be avoided SO SIMPLY by obeying this one rule. Even if you're an animal activist (a cause I respect and support), you have to realize that one caged monkey is all that stands between the human race and certain destruction, most likely at the hands of flesh-devouring zombies. So don't touch the monkey! Just leave him be.


RULE #2: Get off the island!

If the medium of film has taught us nothing, it is that bad things typicaly happen on islands. Think about it... anytime you hear someone talk about going to an island, that trip is synonymous with disaster. So anytime you find yourself on an island, you must be prepared for the onslaught of serial killers, ghosts, shady government organizations, and Sean Bean. So if you happen to find yourself on an island, and you value your life, get off it!

Now, the exception to this rule is if you LIVE on an island... Manhattan is an island, which means I live with the threat of serial killers, ghosts, shady government organizations, and Sean Bean every day of my life. So I'm de-sensitized to it. However, if you're a year-round resident of a vacation island, you will undoubtedly be killed by whatever offending negativity befalls that island. Most likely right after trying to convince all the tourists that you know what is going on and being branded a crazy person. Such is life.


RULE #3: Whatever you do, DO NOT offend the Shaolin Temple.

I cannot stress this enough. There is NO situation in life wherein which it is okay to offend, insult, or desecrate the honor of the Shaolin Temple. Just don't do it. Seriously.

Bruce Lee tells Han clearly enough in Enter the Dragon: "You have offended my family, and you have offended the Shaolin Temple." And we all know what happened to Han.

So if you value your life, follow this rule! Supernaturally bad shit happens to people who offend the Shaolin Temple!


***************

I hope these rules will aid your journey through life. Live by them, and live long. Disobey them... and you seal your own fate.


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1.25.2006

Eagles Pic Of The Week



Yeah, I'm continuing this Pic Of The Week thing through the off-season, at least thus far. Apparently, the Eagles cheerleaders went to meet Chef Joseph Poon at his Philadelphia eatery. There were only 9 pics posted on Eagles.com. A photo essay involving the Eagles cheerleaders and the word "poon," and they post only 9 pics, and THAT'S the best one? Sad. I guess I'm left to use my imagination.

Ahhhhhhh......

As for the Bowl this year, between Pittsburgh and Seattle, I am pulling for my home state of PA. I associate with them as a team much more. Plus, let's not forget my animosity toward Seattle fans, as a result of that one trip to Town Tavern...

Now, my friend Matt asked if I could include a "Pittsburgh Steelers Pic Of The Week" as a birthday favor. I am sorry to say, I can most certainly not do this. I cannot, in good conscience, bestow such an honor on any football team other than the Eagles. Apologies, Matt. I will, however, include THIS RATHER BIZARRE STORY from a Pittsburgh suburb, courtesy of Deadspin.com. Plus, I have already voiced my support for Pittsburgh on Super Sunday. I hope this shall suffice, Matt. Happy birthday, and since there's no possible way the Eagles could crash the Bowl, I shall say...

GO STEELERS!


[To Steve May: make that "GO STILLERS!"]


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1.24.2006

Ladies and Gentlemen...




Now, I know I've prattled on about this whole Grandiose Favorites of 2005 thing, but the waiting is finally over and done with. CLICK HERE to bask in the grandiosity!


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1.19.2006

Eagles Pic Of The Week



Even in the off-season, people still adorn their pets with Eagles gear.

To any dog I may own in the future, at any point in my life: Rest assured, I will never subject you to the wearing of scarves, sweaters, booties, blankets, hats, or novelty clothes, whether Eagles-related or not. You are welcome.


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1.16.2006

The Year That Was...

The sixth year of the "aught" decade is come and gone (including "aught-zero," that is), and with it I have crested 27 years of life on this Earth. So what did '05 hold in the palm of its hand? Here's a rough rundown, by general area of my life...

WORK:

I began and concluded '05 as an employee of Cliff Schwarz Music Production. It was an up & down year for the company, but through it all I've learned a great deal (both technically and about "the industry"), cut 2 music videos (my first, since Spice never collaborated on that "Summary Chart" video back in '97), and a bunch of commercials that actually made air (imagine that!). Plus, I received my first-ever official screen credit... as a segment editor on "Nick At Nite's Search For The Funniest Mom In America." Yes, that was an actual show, and they're actually doing another one.

[Check out Grandiose Video for samples of my work this year.]

CREATIVE:

If '05 can be branded with a specific attribute (i.e. 2003 was a reading year, 2004 was a music year, etc), I'd say '05 was my personal creativity year.

Besides working in a creative "career," I drove myself nearly(?) batshit with a host of personal creative projects. It's a chore to keep track of the thousands of pictures I took this year (stay tuned for The Faves, coming soon!), and in May I founded NOTHING TERRIBLY GRANDIOSE, ostensibly as a means to catalogue and post my favorite snaps. I spent a lot of time playing music with two bands, the sadly dormant RJ115 and my two-man collective with Ben, which after grueling months of poring over various names we have taken to calling... uh... Ben & Joe. I had a hand in some extra-curricular video projects, one of which led me to choreograph an entire martial arts battle scene in an upcoming short, Dilated.

So, a great amount of mental energy (not to mention a great deal of sleep) was expended in making all these creative things co-exist. Yes, it's exhausting. Some of it still is.

KARATE:

And speaking of that fight scene in Dilated, what would 2005 have been without my involvement in Eng's Karate? Martial arts has become the primary inhabitant of my thoughts for much of this year, ESPECIALLY the last three months.

Over the course of the year, I have learned so much as a yellow belt*, and I'm close to advancing to orange. Last month at our class dinner, I was surprised and humbled to receive the Karate Kat of the Year Award for 2005. It's an inspiration for me to keep fighting harder and harder, win more battles and get stronger every single day. For the rest of my life.

[* - Roundhouse kick photo courtesy of Mishel Hassidim]

ROMANCE

Oy. Just thinking about my dating life this past year is exhausting. I ended the year single, like I began it, with a veritable soap opera in between. It's best to avoid too much detail, but suffice it to say the year was nicely eventful at times, and infuriatingly boring at others. Feast or famine, they say. I'm going into '06 with a clearer mind.


So, those were the areas of 2005 where life was most active. In terms of my everyday life, there were some other new elements that came into play this year. In January I fulfilled a longtime ambition by purchasing a fishtank. My fish are the first true pets I've cared for solo, and the year has been been fraught with both birth and death, joy and heartache. The current lineup features Dawkins, Neon, and Chompers. Let's pause for a moment to remember those lost in '05:

Neil. Crazy. Other Neon. That Guppy I Never Named. All of Neil's Children. The Phantom. Akers. And Dylan (pronounced, ironically enough, "die-lonn").

I satisfied another ambition in August with my first foray into camping. I spent 6 days camping and hiking, mainly at Baxter State Park in Maine. I can't even begin to describe how much I enjoyed camping, how much the experience came at exactly the right time. For the only time all year, for one glimmering moment sitting on a mountain overlooking total stillness, I heard my mind finally be quiet.

AND, the latest daily obsession: chess. After years of owning (and never using) the gorgeous, hand-crafted chess table made by my grandfather, I'm finally learning the game. Chess has hit me at the perfect time too... Not only is it mentally challenging me in a way I haven't experienced in years, I find the focus required to play is similar to that I use in Karate. They're perfect companions to occupy my every spare thought.

So, with the demise of aught-five, what does aught-six have in store for me?

I'm not a "resolution" kind of guy. They're equally too committal and too non-committal, too constricting and yet too easy to break. They're wasted on me. So I'm removing the tag (and hopefully the stigma) and rather focusing on broad areas for the year. The specifics will arise on their own, and I'll deal with them when they do.

Job-wise, I'm thinking '06 will be the year to move on from Cliff's. Things are going well overall, and some cool stuff could be on the immediate horizon (i.e. a possible company name-change, and hopefully a new batch of music videos where the songs don't suck), but I'm coming up on two years, and if I should find something else to pay the bills and appeal to me creatively... well, that could be a nice change. All the same, I'll be focusing on learning other editing platforms (namely Final Cut, which could lead to freelancing) and becoming a better editor overall.

Both Karate and chess will continue unabated. For chess, I don't have a specific goal other than to keep learning and developing as a player. I'll probably employ an increasingly academic approach (Chess For Dummies gave me a solid foundation for study... more books are sure to follow). And Karate... I'm learning to focus less on specific belt rank and more on the training itself. If I simply live and train, the belt ranks will come in their own time. My long-term goal is to be a black belt, and I wholly plan to follow through with it. No matter how long it takes. The path of the ninja is not an easy road.

Creatively speaking, Ben and I are starting the year with a bang. We're returning to the stage at Kenny's Castaways with our good friend Pomranz, under the name Drug Fun Rage Ghost. It will either be a free-for-all of wonderful cacophony, or we'll implode entirely. We should also complete Colleagues, a short video we began in the summer of '05.

And 2006 will hold at least one more camping trip.

So 2005 has come and gone. I'm a wiser man for it.





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Reinforcements!



...in the war against disappearing snack foods, that is.

Not long ago, I railed against the decreasing availability of one of my favorite snacks, Peanut Butter Twix. Thankfully, I have been able to find some occasional avenues to find them, but the veritable drought at many of my former channels continues. But EXTRA-SPECIAL THANKS AND PROPS to NTG-regular Cable, who also happens to be my sister Kristen. [Sorry to blow your alias K, but props had to be given properly... no pun intended...] She sent a supply of two family-size boxes, which, incidentally took about 9 days to make the trip from Pennsylvania to New York. Didn't George Washington move armies of men from PA to NY in less than that time? WTF, USPS?

But let me tell you, I'm glad they got here in time for this weekend. It was an interesting one.

Friday night I saw Kool Keith play at B.B. Kings in Times Square. It was a personal first for both the artist and the venue for me. Ultimately, neither disappointed, but I'm still luke warm to Keith's overall showing.

Opener Slum Village came out solid. They were energetic and tight, and they came across like they were having a great time doing their show, not even missing a beat when a fight broke out on the floor. Apparently someone threw some ice, which pissed someone else off, which resulted in both punches and a table being thrown. But they just kept on rapping, didn't miss a beat.

Then there was a seemingly interminable lag before Keith and his crew of like 20 dudes finally came out. Keith's reputation for missing shows is widely known, so there was always the possibility that he would just not even show. When he finally did, he came out strong for the first half of the set. Personally, I'm a big fan of his earlier stuff, so I was glad that some classic Ultramagnetic MCs tracks were among the first songs (he actually couldn't have picked a better Top 3 from Critical Beatdown, for my money: "Break North," "Ease Back," and "Ego Trippin' (MCs Ultra Mix)"). He also dropped "Blue Flowers" (complete with re-mix!) and "Girl Let Me Touch You There" from the Dr. Octagon record, the title cuts from Black Elvis/Lost In Space and Sex Style, and launched into a pretty spirited rundown of "I Don't Believe You" before leaving the stage suddenly. One of his hype guys came out a minute later and said how "Keith isn't feeling the vibe" and all that. The crowd, overall, was pretty lame (what you'd expect from a B.B. Kings Friday night crowd), so I can understand him being pissed. But even when he was out there killing songs (like I said, he was real strong as soon as he got started), he came across as distant, aloof, and unfocused. The whole time, he wore purple wraparound shades, so the audience never even saw his eyes. Finally after some extended audience browbeating, Keith came back out and did another song or two, then did a comically extended round of audience high-fives. One of his dudes introduced Keith's mother and father, who had been hanging out at the back of the stage throughout the whole show, then there were more high-fives before they all filed offstage.

Ben chalks the whole thing up to Keith being Keith, and maybe that's the best explanation. For my first time seeing him live, I enjoyed the show but think Keith came across as being distant and kind of sad. He still does what he does better than most, but Keith's moodiness clearly showed through the music.

Saturday and Sunday were a flurry of long naps, tea, chess, movies, and avoiding the bitter cold that gripped the city. On the chess tip, I'm proud to say I played to a stalemate against my neighbor Russ. It was the first time I played him, but I knew he was a good player. It felt good to think tactically, move-for-move, against a former Marine and play to a draw.

And then Sunday was the long-awaited reunion... HAL9000 came home to 116th Street, after a month-long journey into the hibernative sleep of almost-death. After some surgery and TLC from Lord Chauncery, he's going strong again, with an even bigger hard drive. Chauncery also treated me to homemade pizza and we watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Throughout all of these events, it felt comforting to know there was a kitchen full of Peanut Butter Twix awaiting me. We rode out another storm, and I'll continue fighting the war, one battle at a time...

What else can one man do?


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1.13.2006

New (Year's) Snaps!

Here we go... the landmark first NEW SNAPS of Aught-Six!

Fitting, it arrives an entire week after I promise to get some things going here at NTG. The status update: HAL9000 is still in hibernation. My computer guru Drew (A.K.A. Lord Chauncery) did, however, inform me that the new hard drive has been installed and he's working to get it back to me ASAP, which should be this weekend. That really has been the biggest hurdle to me getting going.

But enough of all this talk... let's get to some snaps! Surprisingly, I felt little if any drive to take many pictures while I was home for the Christmas vacation, and I didn't take a single picture of my enjoyable and thankfully low-key New Year's Eve. This is in stark contrast to how NEW YEAR'S 2005 wound up, which was anything but low-key.

Yeesh. So much Guinness. And thankfully I've shaped up since then.

So, kick back with some tea & honey, and bask in what you've been missing so much... Nothing.

Terribly Grandiose, that is...


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The Budget DVD

At long last, the highly-anticipated DVD compendium of six years of Budget Productions greatness (?) has been completed! Those in the know have been awaiting this for years. For those not in the know, Budget is the production company I helped to found in 1996 along with a host of shady characters. Five such characters (myself included) gathered on the first night of the Christmas holiday weekend for a gargantuan Chinese dinner, followed by an invitation-only midnight viewing in the top-secret offices of Laurell Technologies.


[L-R: Daktari, TOKA, JMP, Shiek(h) Hobart, Lonwel Alvier]





Much Yuengling was consumed.


***************

Christmas Morning



I'm a sucker for Christmas. That's all I'll say.


***************

New Year's Day

New Year's Eve, Cory and I hit up some local spots, settling in for midnight at Camaradas. They had a champagne toast and I kissed some blond woman at midnight. Again, much Guinness was consumed as well. That next day we hit up the best breakfast spot in East Harlem, then lazily played chess and drank tea. And in Pisch family tradition, I burned a Bayberry candle all day. It brings good spirits to the coming year.












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Now, don't think that because I'm forever whining about not having a home computer that I've been doing absolutely nothing NTG-related... I have been painstakingly poring over the photo archives, and am currently in the "winnowing-down" process for the GRANDIOSE FAVORITES OF 2005! Yes, I'm going to follow through on this, and yes they'll be an awesome retrospective of the year that was. PLUS, I'm working on a recap of said year, which will be entertaining to myself and few others. Like NTG in general. And life overall.

A little side note: if you haven't yet, see A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE. And yes, I'm aware that it has been in theaters for several months now. What can I say. I'm a little BE-HIND THE TIMES.

So, it's all sunshine here, as usual. Keep up with the Nothing!


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1.05.2006

Welcome Home...

Happy New Year, all!

This is only a quick hello, I'm working on some new NTG goodness to get aught-six going right. Patience, my children... I will appease all your needs soon.

Allllll your needs...

Okay, that's just creepy. In the meantime, click HERE for something that should make you laugh. If you don't, well... some people were born without souls.


See you soon...


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