The Rules

"So, the 'best of Cinemax OnDemand' is Seed of Chucky and The Jacket?"

~Zack Jackson


That's right, kids, life is absurd. You never know when you're going to find yourself faced with emotional dilemmas, personal crises, and life-threatening situations. In the course of life over these past few months, the wise Mr. Jackson and I have been casually discussing some rules to live by (or "rules by which to live," for those so obsessed with grammar that they must use it properly AT ALL COSTS... i.e. myself, usually... I'm a little tired). Here are three such rules that will keep you safe in many situations.

Study them well... they could be the difference between life and death.


RULE #1: Don't touch the monkey.

This is especially true if someone in a labcoat tells you not to touch the monkey. Think about it, you see a monkey in a cage... The monkey is cute and human-like, and you feel bad for it because it's caged... What you don't realize is, the monkey is in a cage for a reason. The reason in most situations can be boiled down to a simple universal truth: if you touch the monkey, the monkey will eventually cause the downfall of the human race.

This can be avoided SO SIMPLY by obeying this one rule. Even if you're an animal activist (a cause I respect and support), you have to realize that one caged monkey is all that stands between the human race and certain destruction, most likely at the hands of flesh-devouring zombies. So don't touch the monkey! Just leave him be.


RULE #2: Get off the island!

If the medium of film has taught us nothing, it is that bad things typicaly happen on islands. Think about it... anytime you hear someone talk about going to an island, that trip is synonymous with disaster. So anytime you find yourself on an island, you must be prepared for the onslaught of serial killers, ghosts, shady government organizations, and Sean Bean. So if you happen to find yourself on an island, and you value your life, get off it!

Now, the exception to this rule is if you LIVE on an island... Manhattan is an island, which means I live with the threat of serial killers, ghosts, shady government organizations, and Sean Bean every day of my life. So I'm de-sensitized to it. However, if you're a year-round resident of a vacation island, you will undoubtedly be killed by whatever offending negativity befalls that island. Most likely right after trying to convince all the tourists that you know what is going on and being branded a crazy person. Such is life.


RULE #3: Whatever you do, DO NOT offend the Shaolin Temple.

I cannot stress this enough. There is NO situation in life wherein which it is okay to offend, insult, or desecrate the honor of the Shaolin Temple. Just don't do it. Seriously.

Bruce Lee tells Han clearly enough in Enter the Dragon: "You have offended my family, and you have offended the Shaolin Temple." And we all know what happened to Han.

So if you value your life, follow this rule! Supernaturally bad shit happens to people who offend the Shaolin Temple!


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I hope these rules will aid your journey through life. Live by them, and live long. Disobey them... and you seal your own fate.


*****N*T*G*****

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