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Top 5 Nemesis Foods List
Everyone must have an enemy...
I alluded to this post in the most recent New Snaps. Here's the explanation behind my hatred of the following foods:
1) BANANAS
This abomination of nature is, and will always be, Hated Food Number 1. There's a story behind this...
In sixth grade, we were preparing for Field Day. You remember Field Day, right? It's that day near the end of the school year when the whole school goes outside and competes in events like the Tug of War, the Egg Toss, and various races and obstacle courses. Awhile before Field Day, a sign-up list was posted in the classrooms with the different events. They were all represented simply: "Relay." "Tug of War." "50 Yard Dash." And on and on... I signed up for the relay, since I could run well but not exceptionally.
When Field Day arrived and we all piled outside into the 95 degree early June sunlight, the teachers let us all know that many events had some kind of goofy twist. I guess they figured, "the kids are 12 and won't be satisfied with the events as they are, so we need to make them wacky in some way." Thanks, teachers... thanks.
The twist of the relay I was running was, there was no baton. Runners would carry and pass a peeled banana instead.
No, really, teachers... thanks.
Being the third runner, I should have expected that the by the time it reached me, the banana would be nothing more than a slimy pile of yellow-brown mush. It was warm, yet clammy, and some of the gross liquid trickled through my fingers as I ran my distance around the track, holding the mush at extreme arm's length. The smell was absolutely nauseating. When I reached my team's anchor, I wiped what was left of the mush onto her hand, ran off the side of the track, and barfed in front of the entire class.
My friend Nimit accompanied me to the nurse's office, and I went home and slept the rest of the day. I didn't like bananas anyway, but that day solidified them as perpetual Number 1 on The List. To this day, the smell of banana nauseates me. Even the word pisses me off sometimes.
2) RAISINS
No dramatic tale of adolescent woe suporting this one... I just hate the texture and taste of raisins. It's odd, because I love grapes. But raisins make my blood boil. I also love oatmeal cookies, but raisins are a product of Lucifer himself.
3) PICKLES
The absolute worst thing about pickles is when restaurants assume it's universally cool to put them on your plate. It's especially bad in the case of a burger and fries...the pickle juice soaks everything it touches, and the smell and taste just infect the whole meal.
4) COCONUT
This one comes down to texture rather than taste... I love coconut milk, especially in Thai food. Hell, I even cook my own Thai food with coconut milk! (And yes, all you haters, I am actually a damn good cook... I make a mean four-star-spicy red curry. Test me. You'll lose.) But the texture of fresh coconut grosses me out. That slow, wet tearing feeling that you can almost hear... ugh. Hate it.
5) MUSTARD
All colors, styles, levels of spiciness... This spot is more of a fluctuating one, mustard is just currently occupying it. Mustard's predecessor in spot #5 was barbecue sauce. Yes, I hate barbecue sauce. Mustard edged it out recently though...
***************
So that's The List. I am a happy man so long as I steer clear of these five offensive foodstuffs.
Another word on bananas... While the Field Day thing cemented it, I think it is an inherited trait that I hate them.
My father was an immigrant, born in Yugoslavia and raised in Austria. According to a story my mom tells, when my dad and his family were emigrating in 1952, there was nothing to eat on the boat except bananas. This meager diet, combined with the rough Atlantic waves, made my 13-year-old dad violently sick for the entire trip. The only day he wasn't sick was the day they arrived, the day he saw the Statue of Liberty for the first time.
From that day on, he never ate another banana. I like to think I'm continuing in his footsteps...
*****N*T*G*****
Never hesitate to comment!
I alluded to this post in the most recent New Snaps. Here's the explanation behind my hatred of the following foods:
1) BANANAS
This abomination of nature is, and will always be, Hated Food Number 1. There's a story behind this...
In sixth grade, we were preparing for Field Day. You remember Field Day, right? It's that day near the end of the school year when the whole school goes outside and competes in events like the Tug of War, the Egg Toss, and various races and obstacle courses. Awhile before Field Day, a sign-up list was posted in the classrooms with the different events. They were all represented simply: "Relay." "Tug of War." "50 Yard Dash." And on and on... I signed up for the relay, since I could run well but not exceptionally.
When Field Day arrived and we all piled outside into the 95 degree early June sunlight, the teachers let us all know that many events had some kind of goofy twist. I guess they figured, "the kids are 12 and won't be satisfied with the events as they are, so we need to make them wacky in some way." Thanks, teachers... thanks.
The twist of the relay I was running was, there was no baton. Runners would carry and pass a peeled banana instead.
No, really, teachers... thanks.
Being the third runner, I should have expected that the by the time it reached me, the banana would be nothing more than a slimy pile of yellow-brown mush. It was warm, yet clammy, and some of the gross liquid trickled through my fingers as I ran my distance around the track, holding the mush at extreme arm's length. The smell was absolutely nauseating. When I reached my team's anchor, I wiped what was left of the mush onto her hand, ran off the side of the track, and barfed in front of the entire class.
My friend Nimit accompanied me to the nurse's office, and I went home and slept the rest of the day. I didn't like bananas anyway, but that day solidified them as perpetual Number 1 on The List. To this day, the smell of banana nauseates me. Even the word pisses me off sometimes.
2) RAISINS
No dramatic tale of adolescent woe suporting this one... I just hate the texture and taste of raisins. It's odd, because I love grapes. But raisins make my blood boil. I also love oatmeal cookies, but raisins are a product of Lucifer himself.
3) PICKLES
The absolute worst thing about pickles is when restaurants assume it's universally cool to put them on your plate. It's especially bad in the case of a burger and fries...the pickle juice soaks everything it touches, and the smell and taste just infect the whole meal.
4) COCONUT
This one comes down to texture rather than taste... I love coconut milk, especially in Thai food. Hell, I even cook my own Thai food with coconut milk! (And yes, all you haters, I am actually a damn good cook... I make a mean four-star-spicy red curry. Test me. You'll lose.) But the texture of fresh coconut grosses me out. That slow, wet tearing feeling that you can almost hear... ugh. Hate it.
5) MUSTARD
All colors, styles, levels of spiciness... This spot is more of a fluctuating one, mustard is just currently occupying it. Mustard's predecessor in spot #5 was barbecue sauce. Yes, I hate barbecue sauce. Mustard edged it out recently though...
***************
So that's The List. I am a happy man so long as I steer clear of these five offensive foodstuffs.
Another word on bananas... While the Field Day thing cemented it, I think it is an inherited trait that I hate them.
My father was an immigrant, born in Yugoslavia and raised in Austria. According to a story my mom tells, when my dad and his family were emigrating in 1952, there was nothing to eat on the boat except bananas. This meager diet, combined with the rough Atlantic waves, made my 13-year-old dad violently sick for the entire trip. The only day he wasn't sick was the day they arrived, the day he saw the Statue of Liberty for the first time.
From that day on, he never ate another banana. I like to think I'm continuing in his footsteps...
*****N*T*G*****
Never hesitate to comment!
posted by JMP at 10:59 AM
10 Comments:
Wait, what? They only had bananas? The Statue of Liberty inspired him to never eat bananas again? Not exactly Vito Corleone-ish, but whatever works...
No, see... They only had bananas, and he had to eat something, but he was so seasick and grossed out by a diet of nothing but bananas. The bananas don't really have anything to do with the Statue, it's just the promise of liberty and freedom that it represents. Or rather, used to represent.
The freedom and opportunity to never again eat another banana.
hehe... How funny - I'm definitely a big fan of all of those foods. I love pickles (inherited that from my father, incidentally), eat bananas every day on my cereal (although i did have to play that relay game in college, of all places). - Ryan
nvSurly: actually, it was the Middle School... it would have been even more embarrassing to barf at Stony Creek, in front of 6 different grades, as opposed the 3 at WMS. And yeah, I was waiting to namedrop Nimit. Maybe I'll comb through the Budget stuff and find a good snap of him in the Flyers sweatshirt...
Fritch and Ellen D: thanks for checking the blog! I'm always glad to see anonymous comments...
I don't know, man. Bananas I can understand, but raisins? What did a raisin ever do to you?
I still maintain my position that raisins are a product of Satan. They just are.
Pisch, I've been waiting for a proper moment to post my first comment and I think the time has come. I vividly remember you puking at field day and thinking it was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. As usual you have delivered and helped to make my waste of time job more enjoyable. Nimit...awesome.
Dude, you fuckin' kill me. Even mentioning bananas pisses you off? So I guess you're not a fan of Gwen Setfani's abortion of a song, "Holla Back Girl." Me neither, but she'd get it...
Amen on the pickle, too. Why jube up my french fries with pickle juice? Bastards.
Well, not pissed off in a "conquer the world" sort of way... More like a pickle juice on french fries kind of way.
And I'm not a fan of "Holla Back Girl," but I'll watch the video on mute.
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