Sidewalkology: When Life Becomes A Video Game

I've had many recent conversations about the art of, what my friend Abbie calls, Sidewalkology: the art of efficient walking in crowds. Sidewalkology expertise is a must here in New York, especially walking through a crowded Grand Central Terminal twice a day like I usually do.

This is the official Nothing Terribly Grandiose instruction manual for Sidewalkology. By exercising these principles, you can destroy everything in your path.

Figuratively.

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The fundamental principle by which I play the game of walking is: Learn to see the gaps before they open. It's like chess... you have to function two or three steps ahead of where you actually are. The right music can help focus your mind... but the core of it must come from inside. It must be developed, cultivated.

While seeing the gaps and moving through them, here are some other key things to practice:

1. Courtesy. Destruction is negated if it is achieved rudely. Specifically, you should avoid touching ANYONE you pass. It's like the game Operation - achieve the objective without touching the sides. This is above all else. But the thing to remember is that there are ways to be courteous without sacrificing speed. A good key to being courteous is:

2. Agility. If you can twist like a slinky to make it through a narrow gap, you'll avoid touching anything or anyone that's around you. That, and peppering the air with little "'scuse me... 'scuse me"s will gain you courtesy points.

Some of my preferred moves in the agility department:

- The shoulder dip - the best way to edge past someone at high speed is to lead with the shoulder. It allows quick direction change, plus it looks like a hip hop dance move. This is especially easy when hip hop is on the headphones.

- Protrusion - for short-range or long-range lateral motion, the protruding elbow is a good way to lead. It's excellent in hallways when you're turned sideways... it kind of functions like a snowplow. The protruding fist is much more aggressive than the elbow, but it is possible to execute it courteously. It should be practiced with utmost care. The angle of the fist should never be parallel to the ground; a downward angle of 45 degrees or less is recommended. A nice adaptation of the protruding fist is to use an umbrella if you happen to have one. It adds range and looks less rude than walking around with your fist out.

- The twirl - this move is taken directly from athletics (football, soccer, basketball, martial arts, etc...). It's very flashy, and should be used with absolute discretion. That said, it's a great evasion tactic. A variation for being on stairs is to vault over the railing. I find this works especially well at Grand Central Station, but again, use this sparingly.

- Noise - sound can definitely be used to your advantage. Rather than saying a hundred "'scuse me"s, I'll often carry my keys. A quick jingle behind a slow walker subconsciously lets them know someone is behind them, and if they're the least bit courteous they'll move out of the way. If they don't, throw in a "'scuse me." Other excellent noise devices are rustling plastic bags, loud steps, and clinking the edge of your MetroCard on railings. A word of caution with noise: part of being courteous is not being obnoxious. Never shake the keys loudly... make the jingle sound almost accidental. Often, the offending person will move without realizing it.

- Blocking - like the twirl, this technique is founded in athletics. You can and should use objects and other pedestrians as obstacles in your favor, but this must be done with foresight. For instance, if another walker is gaining momentum on one side, be aware of how an approaching wall, trash can, or person can force them to move or slow down. Often, such an object is followed by a gap through which you can move and gain momentum.

3. Adaptability. If you're moving along at a good speed, and an unforeseen obstacle renders your current course impossible, you must be able to abandon your plan for a new one in a blink, ideally without losing momentum. Children and the elderly get an immediate pass; I will absolutely not breeze past a kid or an old person if there's even the slightest chance of collision. Again, courtesy must prevail. Also, you must be aware of, and adapt to, your own personal conditions, such as carrying bags or other encumbrances.

4. Composure. Maintain as calm a face as possible, but be purposeful. Smile anytime you throw a "'scuse me" out there... again, courtesy. The goal is to achieve a oneness with the art of pedestrian destruction. The Zen of Walking. Should you find yourself in a situation where you come face to face with another walker, and you juke from side to side like football players, laugh about it. In spite of your calmness, the truth is, you probably look ridiculous to that person. Laugh with your fellow walker. It's a sign of respect.

5. Never run. In your average daily travels, running shouldn't be necessary. The one possible exception to this is when moving downstairs; should you find yourself with a wide open lane, let the momentum of gravity pull you into a run. When executed well, you can almost feel like you're sailing gracefully above the steps. This is borne of being Zen, not by being impatient.

You, too, can destroy any walking situation. The power is in you.

Be kind. Be fast. Be Zen.


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